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Mildly Sane in the Membrane transcript
(a commercial plays, advertising a brain growth program.) (intro plays) (everyone is in class. Ms. Chapley is handing out practice exams.) Ms. Chapley: It's that wonderful time of the year again folks. The Herman E.L. Larson Intelligence exam. The main test will occur two weeks from now, so I've laid out a practice exam to help get you up to speed on what the real one entails. A second one will come next week. (Alison raises her hand.) Ms. Chapley: And no, this won't count. The real one though, it will count for... well I don't have an exact amount, but I estimate it to be around just enough to completely destroy your chances at making a living for yourself and making you follow in the footsteps of Kurt Cobain. (the students collectively gulp) Ms. Chapley: The test will start- (Ms. Chapley sees her watch) Ms. Chapley: My goodness we should've started five minutes ago, GO GO GO! (after the test, the students are visibly shaken. One student, Albert, gets his back first.) Albert: This is impossible. Ms. Chapley: What's the matter Ines? Albert: A 98? Ms. Chapley: That's the highest grade I've given. Albert: But, what will I tell my parents? Ms. Chapley: I repeat, you've got the highest grade. Now suck it up and move on. You'll still have a future, unlike many of the other students. (Alison and her friends are talking in the hall.) Alison: Sometimes I think our school hates us. Julie: I can't fail this! Sure I want to drop out at some point and join the army, but then I'd have to live with my folks reminding me of how much of a failure I'd be. Colleen: We'd be lucky if we could study enou- wait. (Colleen notices some students aren't as shocked over the exam. They see one student nervously walking and turning back to face them.) Julie: STOP! (the student runs. The kids chase him and tackle him after he gets into a hidden room.) Julie: What're you running from!? Kid: Hey ma'am, ease back! I'm just here to get my notes! Julie: Huh? ???: HEY YOU! (Fiona and Ashley come forward) Ashley: State your business. Julie: Morbid curiosity. Fiona: You still with the hall monitors? Julie: They're more corrupt than you guys. Had to get out of it by putting gum in the dictionaries. Fiona: That was you? Solid. Alison: Now, what're you going to do to us? Ashley: Nothing. We don't consider you and the rest of the Halloween Kids a threat anymore. Well, just as long as you don't squeal to the principal about what we're doing. Colleen: And that's? (Francis walks in.) Francis: Since so many students are doomed to fail the dreaded H.E.L. exam, I decided to exploit this by making fake doctors notes. Fiona: Now, are you going to squeal on us? Because knowing you guys- Alison: No way. We're not like those generic goodie-good guys who treat being heroes like it's some kind of law. Colleen: Given recent circumstances, you're today's heroes. Francis: Gosh guys, you're making my vein throb. Angela: Here we go again. Alison: Angela? Angela: What? The school mob protects the bullies. Georgina: And the popular students. Randall: And stuck-up tightwads like me. Tommy: Since the principal is my father, along with Marie, we have some leeway as well, plus Fiona makes delightful gingersnaps. Marie: We'd have a career regardless if we take the exam. Tiberius: I'm mostly here to fill the jock quota. Francis: So, how many notes could I put you down for- (they hear rattling in the vents.) Fiona: A rat! (the vent collapses and they see Albert fall to the ground.) Randall: HEY! How much did you hear!? (Albert grabs some notes and begins running.) Francis: Help me get the rat and your notes will be on the house. Alison: Deal. (the students chase Albert. He eventually slips and the others catch up to him. Francis snatches the notes he stole.) Francis: Either study or pay up! Albert: Please! What'll I tell my parents!? Alison: Come on Albert, you've managed to maintain an 80 to 90 percent average on every test we've had. Albert: Those aren't good enough. Julie: Since when? Albert: Hmph. A good student does better than 90 percent, and is above helping less fortunate students. (Albert runs off.) Alison: Can you make out a special doctor's note Francis? Diagnosis, serious need to barf. Randall: Rest east Alison, me and the gang have to pay a visit- Kadic: GET TO CLASS! Randall: At the end of the day! (Randall, Tiberius, Dante, Damien, Angela, Georgina, Phoebe, Elizabeth, Dolly, Suzy, Tommy, Marie, Francis, Ashley and Fiona are walking to Albert's house.) Francis: Just so we're clear, we go in, introduce ourselves, then the moment everyone's out we drag Albert by the ankles, shove him into a dumpster and push said dumpster down the hill where it'll crash into the garbage scow. Marie: And the best part is, my dad hates Albert's guts, so if we get caught he'll just give me less than a slap on the wrist. Damien: And the best part is, the Halloween Kids can't stop us, we outnumber them. Dante: Most of us are in the Halloween Kids you idiot. (Dante slaps him on the back of the head.) Randall: Relax. Now, what's the address? Phoebe: 19-68 Hooper Drive. Elizabeth: Didn't we pass that street a few blocks ago? Francis: Crap! (everyone walks backwards rapidly) Randall: You're killing my day! (they get to his house.) Dante: Finally. Angela: Just a sec. Let's peer through the window to make sure he's home. Francis: Good thinking. (they go to an open window and hear an argument.) Albert's dad: Do you know the difference between a path to excellence and a 98!? Albert: But dad I- Albert's dad: No excuses! If you don't do perfect on the real exam you'll never get anywhere in life! (the kids quickly get out of sight.) Randall: Albert's dad is an egghead blowhard. Angela: It says a lot about him actually. I think we should bail. Francis: No, I promised myself, and the Burnaby division, that I'd do a trashing. Marie: Can't we just talk to him? (the others look at her.) Marie: What? I'm one of the good guys. Francis: Alright, fine. But if he acts like a jerk he's getting a litter bath. (the kids go to the door and ring the bell. The dad answers) Albert's dad: Albert can't play. Heck, he never plays. He's too busy trying to get a good future. (he slams the door) Francis: On second thought, I feel like trashing his dad more. Angela: I've got a better idea. (each climb a tree and go onto the roof. They find Albert in his room and go into it, spooking him.) Fiona: Ha! Two for flinching! (she punches him in the arm) Albert: What're you doing here? Randall: (preparing to sit on his bed) We're just here to- Albert: Please don't sit there! Randall: Okay, sheesh. (Dolly looks at the ribbons and certificates on Albert's wall) Dolly: Wow, did you totally win all those? Albert: Yes. Education can't wait. Francis: Now, about what happened in the hall. Why did you steal my notes? You're already set to pass. Albert: I got a 98, I'm hardly ready. With those notes I could study even more and do the test properly. Phoebe: Sorta glad you brought up the 98. What's with your dad? Why isn't a 98 good enough for him? Albert: You know who gets 98s? Losers who will never amount to anything. They only got the bear minimum and went on to live average lives. Only percentage that matters is the full 100. I don't appreciate you guys goofing on me like this. Suzy: Take a chill pill man- Albert: Get out! (the kids rapidly head out the window.) Albert's dad (through the door): Quit talking to yourself! No wonder you failed to score two points higher! (Albert growls and sees an ad for the brain growth program in a magazine.) (one week later, the students await the second practice exam. Alison is talking to the kids.) Alison: Haven't seen Albert in days. What'd you guys do? Randall: We didn't do anything beyond talking to him. He acted like a jerk when we were only asking why he made such a big deal over getting a 98. Dolly: Yeah, and his dad is totally mean. Makes you think. Suzy: Has the complex of an alternative metal musician, nothing but one way and no different viewpoint. Albert: Sorry I'm late. (the students look and gag at Albert's sudden enlarged cranium) Ms. Chapley: Students, quit gawking at Albert's freakishly large head, that's what our blog is for. It's time for our next practice exam. Tommy: Uh Ms. Chapley, I seem to be coming down with something. Ms. Chapley: I'll send you to the nurse at the end of the exam. Tommy: Nevermind. I suddenly feel better now. (after the exam ends) Ms. Chapley: Okay Albert, you got a perfect score. Happy now? Albert: Happy? I just met the requirement. (Albert leaves the room.) Ms. Chapley: You met it twice over last week... (at lunch, Albert is sitting with Sparky and Brighton) Sparky: I'm ashamed to admit it, but that practice exam was challenging even by my standards. Brighton: At least we know enough to get slightly above a passing grade. Albert: You're both pathetic. You need to push yourself harder and get it all right. Sparky: Even the smartest of folk have their limit. Brighton: Yeah, and according to my research, nobody has ever scored higher than an 89 on those exams. You're already sure to pass with that wicked 98 you got- Albert: A 98 is meaningless! Sparky: So is a civilized conversation I guess. Come on Brighton, let's go to the roof. Albert: Enjoy your mediocre grades! (Sparky and Brighton walk to the roof and see the kids (the Elites) eating.) Randall: Donovan, another coffee, but make it blacker than the Joker's heart. Brighton: Excuse me- (all of the kids get spooked.) Francis: What're you doing up here!? This is a private venue. Sparky: Do your worst, can't top Albert's recent proverbial stroke. Randall: Wait, Albert's bugging you? Angela: I thought nerds were supposed to stick together. Brighton: Hold up, we're not total nerds. We fell asleep when watching Star Trek for the love of Ewoks. Randall: Back to the topic at hand. How did Albert get much smarter than last week? Ashley: Maybe he literally holed himself in his room and did nothing but read books? Sparky: I estimate that a weeks worth of reading would only lead to a head size increase that'd be half of what Albert has now. Brighton: Seems the cause is of a much grander scale. Randall: I'm reaching, but it seems like you're begging for our help. Brighton: Well we do belong to the same group. Randall: Look, I'm a Perrino associate first and a Halloween Kid second. As long as the whole Albert fiasco doesn't affect us, well my hands are tied. Sparky: Marie? Marie: Sorry guys, but I really don't want a failing grade to haunt me forever. Sparky: Esch, okay, I guess we'll wait till next week when things begin to fall apart. Francis: Eh? Brighton: My favorite cliche. (an announcement plays.) Kadic: Would my children, Preminger, Sutcliffe, Kitrosser, Hellman, Yuzna, Asbrew, Ahrens, Gordon, Kurt, Corkery, Atkins, Yorke and Perrino please come to my office? NOW!? (the kids are in Kadic's office.) Kadic: You're all through. Just received an anonymous tip that the influx of counterfeit doctors notes came from you. Francis: Alright, we'll take our suspension, expulsion or whatever. Kadic: It's not that easy. I think it'd be a more suitable punishment for you to take the exam. Marie: That's totally unfair! Dolly: Hey, totally is my schtick! Kadic: Of course it's unfair, I need it to hold the same effect as the crime. You might want to start studying. (the kids rapidly run to the library) Randall: Okay okay okay, we're screwed, but we don't need to be. Let's hit the books. (Randall picks up a book and reads) Randall: The Gettysburg Address? What the heck is that!? Francis: This whole thing is falling apart. Let's scream helplessly. (the kids prepare to scream, but Phoebe stops them by slamming a book on a table.) Phoebe: Keep it together. Okay, so we have no choice but to take the exam. But, what if we ditch? Tommy: Oh sure, let's ditch and get an even worse possible grade. Phoebe: Okay, how about we leave the country? Kadic: No can do. We're trained to keep all of our students in check. No matter where you go, we'll find you, dead or alive. (Kadic walks for the exit but rams into the doors. Dolly pulls one open and guides him out.) Marie: What was that about? Georgina: Perhaps it's god's way of getting a laugh out of us when there's so little to laugh about. Randall: Let's just go. (They walk to the exit and we see Albert is in the room.) (the kids are in class and Ms. Chapley is behaving erratically) Ms. Chapley: Hello, er... Elizabeth: Class? Ms. Chapley: Yes. I'm here to... uh... Oh what am I doing here again? Angela: Remember? You told us we could go home early. Ms. Chapley: Oh, that's right, er.. go. (everyone cheers and heads out.) Suzy: Wicked save. Now we may actually have a chance to study and do well. (we go back into the classroom and see Albert is present.) (at the Farghaten Manor, we see most of the Halloween Kids prepping for the exam.) Jerry: What's the point? We won't do well regardless if we read. Sam: I love reading, but even I have limits. Alison: I'd rather go down knowing that I was prepared for it, so quit whining. Colleen: I wish Francis didn't get busted, we would've had a great excuse. (a bright light shines through the window. A tear gas canister is thrown in and it knocks the kids out.) (The Elites are at the library, struggling to study.) Randall: It should be a law that no mortal should study this much. Elizabeth: Not like we use every facet of our brains anyways. Librarian: Young lady! Elizabeth: Yeah? Librarian: Uh..... (the librarian drools) Marie: Okay, first dad, then Ms. Chapley and now the librarian? Something's not right. Dolly: Hm? Oh yeah. (Phoebe notices she's reading a magazine.) Phoebe: No wonder you've scored lower than us. (Phoebe snatches the magazine and sees the ad for the brain growth program.) Phoebe: Grow your brain, a one day program. Randall: There's our culprit. Where's it at? Phoebe: Manitoba. Randall: Okay, our culprit is far out of reach, and our only way of getting there is by bike. Georgina: You expect me to ride a commoners' vehicle in public? Elizabeth: Desperate measures are in order. Ms. Buchanen, can we borrow your car? Librarian: Duh, sure. (she hands her the keys.) Randall: I call driver's seat. (all drive to the address of the culprit. The tires burst and the doors fall off. The girls go to the ground and kiss it.) Suzy: Oh, sweet sweet asphalt! I'll never leave you again! Randall: Come on it wasn't that bad. Francis: Enough, we have work to do. (all go to the building and enter it. They see the Halloween Kids in glass tubes.) Dolly: High Alison and the other kids, I don't feel like naming them all. Alison: Donald Sutherland is a nice... guy. Tommy: What compelled you to say something so stupid? ???: Sheer stupidity. (the Elites turn and see Albert on a pedestal, with a much larger head. Randall: Taking a pass on this... Albert: You're too late. My intelligence now surpasses everyone in our school, and they no longer know it. Marie: I take it you're responsible for the brain drains? Albert: They're weaker minded individuals. Your pitiful friends were a little more resilient, but they gave up within time. Phoebe: And people call me a monster. Marie: You're sick Albert. You need help. We'll sign you to a therapist, bug your dad, whatever it takes- Albert: SILENCE! I have the perfect mind and you can't take it from me! (Albert fires a mind laser at the Elites. They run for cover but he grabs Damien and Dolly.) Dolly: Let go of me! I totally chafe easily! (Albert tries to suck their minds out, but has no luck.) Dante: Thank you idiot friends. (They head for a utility closet and find a man inside.) Suzy; He seems to be scratching himself. Dante: Weirdest scratching I ever saw. ???: Gah! What're you doing in here?! Elizabeth: Who're you, and what's all this about? Domashev: I'm Domashev, and I'm running a brain gain program. Unfortunately, it's gone haywire. Phoebe: Obviously. Ashley: Why would anyone want to mess with brains? Domashev: I have a thing for big bulging heads. (Dante and Damien grab him.) Angela: Is there any way we could shut this down? And will you turn the other cheek? Domashev: I'm doomed either way. If you could get to the control panel on the second floor, you could shut it down. Angela: Great! Where is it? Domashev: Follow the path that leaves you open to enemy fire. Angela: Of course... (the kids run the path while dodging enemy fire. They get into the control room and shut the door.) Georgina: Find the right control quick! (they hear pounding on the door.) Dante: Oh heck. (the door opens and they see Damien and Dolly are there.) Damien: What'd we miss? Dante: Make yourself useful and find the right panel! (everyone searches and Dolly finds the right panel) Dolly: Knob plus brain equals... drain! (Dolly turns the knob and Albert's brain is drained entirely.) Damien: Idiots one, smart guys zero! Dante: Don't rub it in. (Alison and her friends come into the room.) Alison: Where am I? Why do I feel like I was Michael Moore for an hour? Georgina: We'll tell you another time. Just know the Elites saves all of your posteriors. Francis: Now for the leftovers. (It's the day of the exam. Nobody is happy.) Randall: We save the day, got a great deal on Domashev's building and we still get punished by having to take this exam. Tommy: At least most of you will still have a decent future. Ms. Chapley: Well, that was certainly a weird spell I had yesterday. Now, for some very unfortunate news. The exam shipment was halted. We had to discredit it. We don't know the cause, but now nobody has to do it. (Everyone cheers.) Randall: Huh? But, how!? Alison: It's closer than you think. Francis: You!? Alison: I knew we'd owe you and the Elites a favor, so we decided to do the mother of all favors for you. Georgina: You're brilliant Alison. Alison: Thanks. Say, you guys want to eat at the Cave Barn tonight? Randall: Sure. We're gonna be a bit late though, we have some business to take care of. (later on, we see the Elites torturing Albert's dad by toying with the brain gain machine.)